The Impact of Motherhood on Mental Health: 5 Things You Need to Hear

Many new moms, and maybe not-so-new moms, navigate motherhood by struggling inside while presenting a perfect image to the rest of the world. The messaging we see and hear from our family, friends, social media, and sometimes our partners, implies that women should instinctively know how to be a mother, but when the time comes they feel unprepared and they look around and wonder, where’s the bliss that is portrayed on social media? The real deal is that being a mother is not easy physically, emotionally, or mentally and at one point or another, most moms struggle and their struggle is usually silent. 

Why is this so Hard for me, When Everyone Else Makes it Look so Easy? 

In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” Brene Brown, who has spent her career researching shame, offers this nugget of wisdom, “Comparison is the thief of happiness”. The more you compare yourself to others, the less satisfied you’ll be with yourself. Mothers are surrounded by other mothers who appear to have it all together. Their teeth are brushed and they are wearing pants that button, while you haven’t slept in 3 days and your baby has the same stained pj’s on that she went down in last night. Even though they may be well intentioned, mommy meet-up groups can be triggering when you’re struggling inside, prompting thoughts like, “I’m a mess and she has it all together” or “I must be weak to be struggling like this when they make it seem effortless”. Instead of piling on, celebrate your victories, even the small ones: fitting self-care into your day, eating a healthy meal, or checking an item off of your to-do list. 

Speak Your Truth 

Holding in your feelings, fears, and frustrations regarding motherhood only exacerbates those feelings and lead to feelings of shame and guilt. Try opening up to other moms and you might be pleasantly surprised that they share many of your struggles. This may even potentially allow for connecting with other moms who can relate and appreciate your authenticity. That feeling of universality, or knowing that what you’re experiencing is “normal”, can be therapeutic on its own. If being open about your struggles with other moms seems too scary, share your feelings with a professional who specializes in postpartum issues. Emotions are meant to pass through and not to stay within, so find a safe and healthy place to release them. 

Limit Your Time on Social Media 

We’ve all been hearing lately about the toxicity of social media and how it is profoundly affecting our mental health. While the recent spotlight has been on teens, mothers (especially new moms) are significantly impacted and bombarded by images of alleged perfection and bliss. Social media pages are highlight reels of someone’s best days strategically compiled into one place. Not to mention there’s now social media influencers who profit off of projecting a sense of perfection, yet they act like they’re just one of us. Do not let that fool you. They are no different than a celebrity who has more means, resources, and incentive to have a perfect home, or create these dream-like experiences for their family. Pay attention to your feelings while you are scrolling through Instagram; listen to your internal dialogue and if you’re finding that it is triggering negative thoughts or unhelpful comparisons, it might be time for a break. 

Practice Self-Compassion 

Imagine running into a friend and she confides to you that being a mom is really hard for her, sometimes she wonders if she’s cut out for it, and even though she loves her kids, it’s not what she pictured. Most likely, there’s a lot riding on your reaction to her confession; if you treat her with disdain, she’s going to feel shame and embarrassment, but if you treat her with compassion, she will feel supported, validated, and she’ll probably feel less alone. When we practice self-compassion, we share that same spirit of acceptance and understanding with ourselves and we silence the critical voice telling us we are not enough.

Pro Tip….When you feel like you are beating yourself up, ask the question, “would I say this to a friend”? If the answer is no, try to reframe your thought with self-compassion. “Being a mom is harder than I thought it would be, but I don’t have to be perfect to be a good mom”. 

Try and take one lesson from this post that you want to hold onto and apply to your week. What’s a challenge, or a mantra you can give to yourself based on something you’re taking away from reading this? Put it down on a sticky note and leave it visible on your fridge, car steering wheel, or even bathroom mirror. Retraining your brain and reworking your expectations of motherhood can take time. Start with just one reminder or plan on how to turn these words into action for you.